Antichrist: Three Beggars Walk Into a Bar...

So Lars von Trier made a horror film. I like to imagine that he conceived this movie while thumbing through vintage Stephen King and watching three of the six Saw films on his buddy Soren’s sweet new plasma. Fed up with pointless, banal violence perpetrated by a clown puppet, Lars declared the world ready for a thinking man’s torture porn.

A conventional suspense narrative provides the framework for von Trier’s meditation on the horrors of human nature. Mourning the death of their young son, a couple (known only as She and He, played by Charlotte Gainsbourg and Willem Dafoe) retreats to their cabin in the woods. Thanks to a steady diet of millennial horror films, we know that things ALWAYS go awry when you go to the cabin the woods. But this is von Trier’s vision, and his monsters aren’t serial killers or flesh eating viruses or creepy girls on haunted videotapes. His monsters are planted firmly in the psyche. He explores the destructive power of guilt, grief and self-loathing in incredibly visceral ways, culminating in a stomach-churning act of self-mutilation. Though far from a conventional horror movie, it still deserves a place in the canon. This film is terrifying.

It’s not easy to give the Cold Stone treatment to such a mind fuck, but I’m going to try my best. She is the vehicle for much of the chaos that defines the film, and so French Vanilla is the foundation of the creation. He attempts to comfort and cure She by embracing her physically, the way toffee syrup clings to the ice cream (also, Willem Dafoe screams toffee to me). Since one can’t put acorns on a Cold Stone, a healthy dose of mixed nuts represents nature of both kinds, transforming the creamy vanilla base into a rocky and unpredictable landscape. But this glorified ice cream sundae doesn’t even hint at the disturbing themes explored in the movie, so drastic additions must be made by the unstable female doctoral student mixing the creation (it should be noted that this will likely be the most misogynistic Cold Stone creation ever chronicled on this blog).

Verdict: If this movie were a Cold Stone, it would be French Vanilla with Toffee Syrup, Mixed Nuts and a severed digit.

(Un)Funny People

Actually, that’s not fair. Funny People is funny, but only in occasional moments that appear to be stolen from a superior movie, then smashed awkwardly into the most exasperating 2+ hours of film I’ve seen in a long, long time.

The film is essentially two movies in one, and that is the crux of the Funny People Problem. The central storyline –seasoned comic/asshole takes bright-eyed comic/neophyte under his wing as he journeys through the land of incurable disease – is cloaked in a tale about young, legitimately funny people paying their dues in comedy clubs and crappy TV shows. And the comedy is not the problem (although many of the funniest lines are simply stand-up captured on film, which, to this girl, does not equal filmmaking). The drama DRAGS. Adam Sandler’s dying-but-not-really celebrity and Seth Rogen’s gee-whiz apprentice both lack any nuance to make me care what happens to these characters. As it is, not only do I not like these fools, I have no desire to watch their misadventures. I’m not convinced the blame falls on the actors; these frustrating, flat characters and contrived plot points were doomed from the start. But the film’s single biggest offense is the third act, a tired attempt to add an additional layer of romance and conflict. It’s 100% unnecessary and adds a good 45 minutes to the too-long running time (2 hrs and 20 min!).

I could write many paragraphs about the many ways this film frustrated me, but there are plenty of reviews that have already done that, and that’s not what we’re all about at the ITMWAC blog (hmm, what a blah acronym). I fist saw this film as a cup of unappetizing Brussels sprout ice cream topped with delicious bits of candy, but Cold Stone has yet to make Brussels sprout ice cream, and I’m going to try to stay away from hypothetical creations. The execution was pretty half-baked, so Cake Batter might be an appropriate base. Of course, Cake Batter is by itself delicious, and this movie is not, so let’s call it Cake Batter accidentally left unrefrigerated overnight. The funny moments, courtesy of the supporting cast, are like candy sprinkled on top but not really integrated into the creation (and unable to save it).

Verdict: If this movie were a Cold Stone, it would be rancid Cake Batter with M&M’s and Oreos, inexpertly mixed by a trainee.

...would it be delicious?

I like movies. Also, I like Cold Stone. Given the intense enjoyment I derive from these two things, it's only natural that I would seek to understand one through the other.

Before we go any further, let's establish that Cold Stone is amazing. So many flavors, so many mix-ins...packing so many calories into such a small cup is simply awe-inspiring. But with thousands of possible combinations, it's impossible to expect that all will be tasty. Some mix-ins don't play well together, some flavors are temperamental. Some creations are doomed from the start. Movies are no different. All the elements have to work together, or all you'll get is an unappetizing mess.

For each movie I post, I'll provide a brief review along with my Cold Stone ruling. The movies I review will be whatever I feel compelled to see (I'm no Miss Moneypants and I can't see everything, so expect an edited selection). I'll post DVD picks as well, making my way through old favorites and my Netflix queue. Stay tuned for my Summer Movie Roundup, including Star Trek, Terminator Salvation, The Hurt Locker, Moon, Public Enemies and more. But first, the movie that started it all: Judd Apatow's Funny People is up next.